Hey everyone! I’m gonna get right into it and say what I want to say today.
I was at a bar with some of my closest friends tonight. It was a neighborhood bar, the kind of place that doesn’t even stock the kind of ingredients it takes to make a margarita. Surprisingly there are always more queer people there than I expect. One time, there was even these two dudes standing around and one of them was pretty drunk and ALL OVER the other guy. Kissing and hugging and generally being cute and cuddly. And NO ONE said a damn thing. No one picked a fight and no one shouted any slurs, at least not that I saw. And for me, that was pretty amazing for to see. I live in central Pennsylvania, which is pretty conservative. People here like guns, beer, and their 98% white neighborhood. So yeah, this is a big deal for me that queer people can be themselves in public spaces and not just at our ONE gay bar (which is in another town).
Anyway, I ran into an old friend here. This is an OLD friend, someone I knew from before I even knew that I was transgender. Let me paint a picture: I used to be a really hot girl (at least that’s what I appeared to be). Long, straight auburn hair, pretty face, curves… I knew how to dress my hot self and put on make-up. I tried really hard back then to be a proper female. And he was a hot guy. Still is to be honest. But back then I really liked him, and I guess he liked me too but I wasn’t confident enough at the time to realize that there was mutual attraction.
So tonight, I was playing pool in the back with my friends when I saw him come in. I recognized him immediately and kinda froze as he walked over to the bar. I stayed back with my friends and I noticed that he was sitting at the bar all alone. I remembered what he was like. We had met at church… a church I no longer go to. For the usual reasons. They’re strictly socially-conservative and completely against queer and trans people, and also strict in many other ways (they think Halloween and Disney are evil). Now this guy… his mom was the craziest bitch in the joint, I swear. She once told me that just wearing clothing with print of skulls on it was bad. And his father I only met once but from what I had heard, I got the impression that he was a violent man. So I shouldn’t be surprised that my old friend turned out to be pretty horrible too, I suppose.
I’m getting ahead of myself though. So I saw him sitting alone, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. I didn’t want to spend my last $5, but I really wanted to talk to him. Remember, I used to have a big crush on this guy. So I took a cigarette and my $5 over to the bar and sat two stools down from him. When I got within earshot I noticed he was flirting with the bartender, who was pregnant. I ordered Mike’s Hard Lemonade and waited. I smoked. I sipped my drink. And I shook nervously. Because I knew he’d recognize me. My face hasn’t changed THAT much from testosterone.
Finally, to my left, I heard “Hey Kelly.” I turned to him and we exchanged the usual greetings; “Hey, how are ya?” Then I scooted over next to him and told him “It’s James now actually.”
He looked confused. And drunk. I was a little worried, because I knew some people have irrational, violent reactions to trans people just for existing, and my old friend was a boxer. Former boxer, I learned.
I explained that I was doing something called “gender transition”. I came out about 4 years ago but never told him since we never see each other and we aren’t connected online. I’d always been curious about what he’d think. I had hoped, having a mother like his who had given him such a hard time, that maybe he’d be more committed to being open-minded. But his answer told me everything I needed to know. “I think it’s wrong,” he said.
We still had a conversation about it. He was drunk and I told him I didn’t think it would really stick if I talked to him about it now, but he said to go ahead anyway. I tried to explain that gender identity is separate from sexuality and “biological sex”. I told him that transition was important to my mental and emotional health. He really didn’t get it though. And throughout the conversation, I was told “I still see you as a girl”, “You’re being stupid”, “God made you a girl” and “You just never met the right guy.” I’ve HEARD that that line was a popular, ignorant response LGBTA people often encountered. And I’ve seen it on a TV show in a queer character’s story arc once. But I never actually had anyone suggest it to me to my face before. WOW. After mentions of my former long, beautiful hair, and my great ass and such, he also said “if you were a normal girl now, I’d fuck you.” Haha, well it’s nice to know he was attracted to me back then when I had a huge crush on him. I guess. But I think I dodged a bullet though, considering that during our conversation he also said “I beat up three spics the other day”, “there’s a bunch of queers here”, and there was at least one instance of “nigger”.
I’m sure by now you’re thinking I must have horrible taste in men. To be fair, I had no idea he was that big of an asshole back then.
I felt bad for the woman tending the bar because my acquaintance kept asking her to sit on his lap. Remember, she is pregnant too. So she told him, “I’m bigger than you!” I was delighted for a break from our previous conversation and, honestly, I was hoping that if I cut in that he would stop harassing her. So I asked her when she was due, and she told me August. So I asked what she was having (I don’t really care to know the assumed and assigned gender of infants, but other people often do) and she told me it was a boy, so I asked if she had names picked out yet. She said she didn’t and then asked me if I had any suggestions. She was so sweet! I pointed to myself and suggested naming him James. LOL But apparently that is the baby’s grandfather’s name so it was a no go. When she left, my acquaintance looked to me and shook his head. He said “shut up…” and I told him I was just being nice to her, hoping he’d take a hint that he was being incredibly rude to her. But he told me I was being a cockblock. I told him that I really don’t think I was. ^__^; Obviously she wasn’t all that interested in him to begin with…
He also tried to use my drink choice as a way of convincing me that I’m a girl. “No real guy would order that,” he told me, pointing to my $3 bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I turned the glass bottle over and read the label, “5 percent alcohol.”
“5 percent?” he repeated. “….That’s a lot actually.” He looked at his beer. “More than mine…”
Haha~ I was half-drunk during the whole conversation, and I recounted the scene to my friends later after my “old friend” and I parted ways. They couldn’t believe I even talked to him as long as I did. Several times I had felt like leaving him and the conversation completely. But, for some reason, I decided to stick around until he was done with his beer and ready to leave. I guess, even though he was a jerk, he was still an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a while.
I learned something from it though. No matter who questions me or tries to invalidate me, even if it’s someone I used to want to impress, it doesn’t matter. I know who I am.
I don’t care what kind of drinks the other guys order.
I don’t care how other guys dress.
I don’t care how other guys answer the fucking phone.
I don’t care how other guys walk, or talk, or fuck.
I LIKE WHO I AM. I will not disrespect women just because other guys do. I will not hoard a collection of guns to feel powerful. I will not look down on femininity. I will not even drink a fucking beer just because that’s what all the other guys are drinking. I hate beer. I hate all that other misogynistic, racist bullshit too.
And now that I’m sober, I am MAD about that conversation. I’m annoyed, and rightfully so. It was a really gross conversation that, in hindsight, made me feel really slimy and angry.
So what even is the point of this post?
I think I had a learning moment. And I just wanted to share it with you. I’ve had lots of arguments with people online about LGBTQIA issues, but this is the first time I have spoken to someone face-to-face (in a long time anyway), who was so blatantly ignorant. And it was so personal too, because this was an old friend. Someone I used to really like. As brief as this encounter was for me, it was important. I feel like I came out of it knowing just a little bit more about myself than I did before. I feel even more convicted about my morals and about who I really am.
With all these wins the Queer Movement is getting in the United States lately, people who oppose us are pushing back even stronger. Even other countries are taking measures to ensure queer people won’t be as free as they are here. But even in the supposedly free United States, people talk openly about their desire to oppress us or see us stoned like the bible “says” we deserve. And then they cry “freedom of speech” when we tell them how horrible they sound. Maybe there is a bright side to that though. Their hatred is out in the open and decent people can see it. Even some of my conservative family members are moving closer to the compassionate side of the argument as they see what LGBTQIA people are really going through.
I think what I am learning, though, is that I’m not afraid. Which is the exact opposite reaction that I’d expect of myself considering everything I just pointed out. But I’m not afraid. I don’t pick fights with people unnecessarily, but I’m not afraid to speak out against problematic shit when I encounter it. I think there are a lot more people standing ON my side rather than standing against me. And, as a person of faith, I think God is standing on my side too. Or maybe hovering divinely in my general vicinity at least. 🙂
Discover James 